Monday, January 31, 2011

D&D, Epic Beards, And a distinct lack of attractive women. (Part II)

With our load of travel food packed in the back seat with Kyle, Zach was ready to navigate the treacherous frozen tundra of what Michigan calls a highway. Over the next three hours we obliterated a box full of tacos from T-BELL!, listened to a Bo Burnham CD (Funniest singer/comedian I have heard in ages), and had an hour long discussion of creepy paranormal stuff that happened at their high school (Will have to make a post on this later. REALLY interesting stuff).

Fun fact: There is nothing between Lansing and Fort Wayne but porn shops and trucker stops.

After we arrived in Fort Wayne, Indiana we did some quick google-ing and found the cheapest motel in the area. About 10 minutes from the convention center was the crumbling shanty of a Motel 6 that we would call home for the next 2 nights... nestled snugly in between two strip clubs. Awesome. One seemed to be a bit classier, while the other had a funky orange and yellow paint job and had paintings of women pole dancing that looked like they were done by a six year old. We're assuming that this is where they send the strippers that have an extra eye, or a peg leg.

Aside from the truckers that, by the way, all look EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME, I think we were the only people at the motel that were not in the company of strippers/hookers. Upside of this was that after the portly black woman that was working the night shift was done oogling Zach's bright pink hair and spiky dog collar (God, I love goth kids. They're just fun to be around), she gave us our room for 1/3 the price. Either Shaniqua was into us, or there is a hidden 60% off coupon for those that arrive hooker-less. I hope it was the latter.

On our way to car to unpack we went past what appeared to be a college-age guy and his hot girlfriend that were checking in after us. Before running into them, I called it. "That's a stripper. No doubt about it". Kyle and Zach didn't believe me so on our second run back to the car we looped around the front desk area. Upon further inspection we discovered that the guy was nervous, on the verge of terrified and trembling. He carried with him a paper bag full of alcohol, and his attractive friend was in a leather jacket, heels, and looked bored. I couldn't restrain myself from letting out a Quagmire-esque "GIGGITY!" as we walked by. Oh, and according to the cash register, their room cost twice what ours did. Poor awkward college guy.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. We made our D&D/Gamma World characters for the convention the next day while watching American Dad and Robot Chicken. The convention started at 8 am so we had the lights out by 1 or so. We slept undisturbed until around 2am we heard a loud knock on the door near ours. "ROOM SERVICE! OPEN UP! IT'S CAMMY AND TAFFY!" a female voice shouted. Surprisingly, we didn't hear anything through the walls. They must have been across the hall from us. Damn, I just love Motel 6. More later, I need to go to class.

Some Bo Burnham!

Song: Borgore - Foes (16 Bit Mix) -

Errbody in da club gettin... Is that guy doing the sprinkler?

So I've never been a big fan of clubs, or dancing, or dancing in clubs for that matter. But when I'm sitting home alone at 8pm on a Saturday night I can't exactly turn down an invitation.

After meeting up with everyone at a friend's place, we all packed in my buddy Sean's car and listened to 80's pop music the entire way to a club called Necto. I had been there once before for a Halloween party, but that was less of a dance and more of a "gawk at the scantily clad naughty-(Insert popculture figure here)". But the place is nice enough, and aside from the freakish abundance of creepy Armenian guys that can't help but hit on my female friends, has a decent turnout of interesting people. Including "epicbeardman v2.0" as Hillary dubbed him. A man that looks EXACTLY how I imagine epicbeardman looked in his younger years.

The first thing I noticed upon getting into the club was a mass of party balloons tied down around 3 tables of middle aged women. I assumed it was a birthday at first, but that idea evaporated the second that I saw a thirty something year old woman wearing a brides veil. A bachelorette party. Oshit.

After mingling around a bit and dancing with some Asian chicks that are barely as tall as my chest (Being 6'3 really has its disadvantages...), I found surrounded by a bunch of older women. I assumed that I had just drifted into a group of the women from the bachelorette party. Suspicions were confirmed when I found myself in a bridesmaid and bride to be sandwich. And I must say, as far as older women go, they were pretty damn good looking. Cheers to them.

2 hours of decent dubstep/DnB/Generic club music from MC Yoda and DJ Hardy and a lifetime of cheesy dance moves later, the gang and I were getting the hell out of Necto, and on to 7-11 for some slushies. After a night of dancing in a club that must have been well above 100 degrees inside, the cold winter Michigan air and a Mountain Dew slushie are the two greatest things in the entire world.

Song: Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
Something along the lines of what we were listening to on the way to Necto. Good ol' 80's dance music...

Saturday, January 29, 2011

D&D, Epic Beards, And a distinct lack of attractive women. (Part I)

I had spoken to a friend a few weeks ago about a D&D (Dungeons and Dragons, for you poor un-nerdy folk) convention that was taking in place in Fort Wayne, Indiana, which is a few hours southwest of where we're from. We thought it might be fun to check out, but like all plans I make with people, I took it with a grain of salt. Most of the time (at least with people my age) our schedules don't sync up well, or someone is low on cash, or the roads are shit, or Kyle has to take care of his baby, or all of the above plus a heaping load of "This assignment is due in 7 days. It will take 13 days to complete. Enjoy."

So after a couple weeks of not speaking about said convention I had assumed that we wouldn't be making the trip. It wasn't until the Thursday before the weekend of the convention started that I received a phone call from my friend Kyle asking if I was ready to start the trip in 2 hours. At the time I was sitting in my boxers at 4pm, fitting in a few more rage filled games of Team Fortress 2 before heading off for my 6-9pm class.

Being the responsible adult that I am, I cancelled class, showered, and rushed out to meet the guys at Kroger to drop off our extra cars and pick up some "essentials" for the weekend.

Now I don't know if you have ever been shopping with a hungry college guy before, but things can get pretty hairy. Now, instead of one hungry college guy we had three, and instead of a tight budget we had Kyle's army credit card that covers his grocery expenditures (Thanks, buddy!). After an hour and a half of watching Zach cruise around the isles in a motorized lazy bastard cart (which apparently isn't made to do doughnuts, according to certain Kroger workers. But it seemed to work for us just fine. They just want to have all of the fun for themselves. Selfish fiends!) and grabbing everything that looked edible, our cart was pretty packed. Luckily the cart has a maximum carrying weight of 500lbs! I pray to God, Xenu, and Khorne that no one person has ever had to worry about this. 

Surprisingly, our food for the weekend only came out to about $80. We're just economically conscious budget shoppers at heart, it seems! Our cart looked something like this...

3 Twelve packs of Mountain Dew Voltage
6 Cups of Ramen
PB&J + Bread

2 Bags of cookies
Bag of Mini Doughnuts
Nerf Sword
3 Family sized bags of chips
Small Child
Snack Packs
Strawberry Applesauce
2 Galons of Cran-Apple juice

Because D&D and healthy food just doesn't mix.

I really need to start bringing a camera with me on my adventures. So many epic moments that nobody else ever gets to see...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

This post is now DIAMONDS. Also, League of Legends.

It really takes a lot for a game company to impress me. As much as I will complain that Blizzard is the spawn of Satan for the steep pricing of their games, quality-wise they have really spoiled me. I have taken things like frequent patches and quick hotfixes for bugs for granted, and as I have ventured into other online based games by other developers I have realized just how well Blizz treats us, even if the price is a bit steep. Come on. It's only YOUR SOUL. But I'm sure if you bargain with them you can trade them your firstborn instead. I only had to give them a kidney and a "favor to be fulfilled at a later date".

All hail our favorite faceless, money grubbing, casual catering, heartless corporation: Blizzard!

"What's that up in the sky? A bird? A plane?"
"No. It's Tom Chilton cruising by in his private, platinum plated starship. I wonder if it's fueled by the tears of non-casual gamers..."
"Is he blaring Wu Tang Clan?"
"They ain't nothin' to fuck with."

But what I really want to talk about is a small, independent company called Riot Games. These guys haven't been around long, and they could probably fit their entire staff inside of Blizzard's welcome lobby, but these guys have really proven that you don't need an overflowing bank account to make a fantastic game. Currently, their only title is League of Legends- a free to play PvP(Player versus player) type game. But they are (overly?)active in their community, quick to address issues in game and out, crank out additional bi-weekly content updates along with a bit of well written lore-based fluff, as well as a funny video from time to time. What else could a guy ask for?

Did I mention that it is free? No, actually FREE. Not "free" like most other FTP online games that only allow you to play a boring, bare-bones version of their game until you purchase a premium membership. Or supply anyone who drops five dollars into a shady looking paypal account with THE ULTIMATE SWORD OF FUCKING DOOM AND DESPAIR that allows you to absolutely wreck any poor kid that couldn't get his grubby little fingers on Mom's credit card. 

I mean FREE as in you download the bloody game and never have to pay a cent.

Their only source of revenue come from the sale of "skins" for the different characters in game (Skins can be anything from recolors/palette swaps of the character model, to complete appearance overhauls and custom sound effects) . Skins have ZERO impact on the gameplay itself and provide no unfair advantage to people that have spent money on the game. They are just there to look neat and give you the warm fuzzy feeling that you supported a wonderful company. Or just because you wanted to see Evelynn in even LESS clothing, as if that were possible.

I encourage anyone who reads this to check the game out and give it a whirl. It's definitely not for some people, but if you want fun, fast paced, competitive gameplay and a community that's packed full of angsty, racial slur spurting fifteen year olds that just found out what the word cunt means, look no further than League of Legends.

I'd whine about how much I hate online game communities in general, but that's a rant for another day. Let's just say that they ever develop a device that allows me to administer digital bitch slaps to people that piss me off, I won't be leaving my computer for a while.

Song: Stupid MF - Mindless Self Indulgence (Caution, colorful language)

Link to League of Legend's website. ->

We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak.

Considering that we sleep about 1/3 of our lives away, I would expect that we should all be pretty damn good at it.

But for whatever reason, I seem to be about as talented at getting a good night's sleep as I am juggling chainsaws.... that are on fire... while wearing roller skates... while I'm balancing on a stool... that's on top of a dolphin.

The fact that my school schedule is about as organized as a English hockey player's teeth has only exasperated the situation, and getting a grand total of ten hours of sleep over the past three days leaves me feeling a bit ragged, especially when I'm running around for hours at a time playing "taxi driver". The worst part is that I'm not getting little sleep because I'm stressed or overworked. It's quite the opposite. I have been spending my nights chipping away at Robert Jordan's lengthy but brilliant Wheel of Time series, or trolling twelve year olds on the League of Legends forums. I'm thinking of taking up crime fighting as a midnight hobby. Not many people can pull off a gem studded purple velvet body suit, but I'm willing to give it a shot... for science!

Fightheinsomniac's Class Schedule:
Mon: 4-7 pm
Tues: 2-5 pm
Weds: 8-11 am
Thurs: 6-9 pm

I mean.. really, guys? Reeeaaaallllly?

Song: My Dear Inertia - The Syncope Threshold (now known as I, Omega)

Some delicious progressive rock. Mmmmmm.

What faggotry is this?!

So of course the exact minute I decide to start this blasted thing, the shitstorm of the century takes place and I have been dealing with the nonsense that came with it for the past week and haven't had five minutes to sit down and write something. Essentially, every aspect of my life decided to sequentially explode into overwhelming amounts of bullshit and faggotry.

But, as always, there is good in every situation. And while I may have been absolutely miserable for the past week, I have learned some very important life lessons.

First of all; the only women I am even remotely attracted to are vain, selfish, empty headed fleshbags. But hey, they're kinda cute, right?

Second of all; Eating Baconators every day is bad for you. REALLY, REALLY bad for you. Subsisting on fast food isn't looking like a viable option anymore and I kind of miss being in great shape. Hope you're ready for me, treadmill, because this fatty isn't jogging in the snow.

And lastly, and probably most importantly; I need a job. A REAL job. I'm not sure how I'll fit it in with my wonky class schedule, but It's going to have to happen. Days until Chris goes on a homicidal rampage after working a monotonous night shift: Approximately 75.

On a related side note- Blizzard is a company of cash guzzling vampires that won't be satisfied until I am broke and I'm scraping coins off of the Kroger parking lot for subscription money. I wish I were joking.

Song- Immaculate Misconception by Motionless in White

I'm pleasantly surprised by how much meaning these guys pack into their lyrics, and how varied their songs are. Too often these days are hardcore bands turning to uninspired, generic lyrics in between open fret breakdowns and it leaves much to be desired. These guys are a real breath of fresh air in the genre. I just wish I had heard of them sooner.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Failboat is setting sail.

Hello and welcome to my blog! I decided to start blogging for a number of reasons, including...

1. Brush up on my meager writing skills. Due to my college career path, I haven't had the option of taking any Lit. based classes, and I'm more than a little bit rusty.
2. Because Facebook posts are not a satisfactory creative outlet.
3. Because I'm an opinionated asshole, and I love few things more than a good rant.

With all posts I'll tag on the song I'm listening to, a favorite video, or some nonsense that made me giggle or something of the like.

This may actually be fun.


L.G. Fuad - Motion City Soundtrack